drowned in ecstacy..

Nobody but you would understand this plethora of words. Maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't.

Just when I thought you have taken a huge step out my life, I've decided to put up a 'Welcome Back' banner and laid the red carpet back for your entry. Neither options are considered ideal, because a win situation for me in this case is totally out of the question, but it is possible to squeeze out optimism even in the bleakest of situations, and I feel this does not differ from those that I have come across before, or at least those concerning you.'

You know. Whenever I try, it always fails, without doubt. As of now, the tally stands at about 5-0. It is about 5 attempts or even more, but a consistent rate of failure. Never mind that. However, when you do ask, it seems, I never fail to give in. Maybe because I still want it more than you do, and that a small part of me still chooses not to give up on even the tiniest of probabilities that miracles still happen. It seems like the process goes through a special logic gate. When my input is 1, it will always turn out output 0. Yet when your input in 1, it remains as such in the output.

From inference, I suppose it is you who makes the calls. I am purely alright and not against that, as long as it in no way conflicts my purposes and aims. I am acceptable in you making the decisions because I realise most of my efforts, if not all, to exert, would be futile. I'd rather you come to mind how and what should happen, and then maybe some progress can be made from there onwards.

After today, I was overwhelmed with ecstacy, though I displayed little of it. I still remembered the first time it happened, and I was more than glad that today happened the way it did. You merely put little to the hiccups that happened earlier in the morning before I met you. Those suppressed feelings may have been pushed all the way down to God-knows-where, but today, they surfaced like rising bubbles in boiling water. All this while, I distracted myself, concentrated on other work, met new people and interacted more with them, all in the attempt to forget about and not think of you. As of today, all that was successful.

You know... When I look at that picture, my first focus is on you; before I see others or even myself. I see something in you that is unexplainable. Remember the question you once asked me. The elusive question: Why? I gave you an answer that came straight out from my mouth, rather than from my heart. Though true for that time being, it was part of the process of pushing it all way down. Someone brought that an almost identical question back up again yesterday: Why? Here's my answer, reiterated: If I ever knew the answer to that question, I would have a much easier time myself.

But I don't have the answer. And I don't see any momentary burst of intelligence that will suddenly give me the answer. I don't see anything hints or signals that say... 'Hey... Here's the answer... ...' No. Life doesn't provide for such things. I think, if I were to think hard enough, I might concoct a stupid story that somebody somewhere is playing a fool with me, and making a fool out of me. But no. Life doesn't provide for that either. What has happened is the result of my previous actions, and what will happen is the result of my actions now.

Now that you've told me something along the context that SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN, WHEN THE TIME COMES, I'm only reminded of how that second phrase was how I decided to begin it all. It seems to have come one full round; a complete circle, whereby the ending comes right back to the beginning, and maybe, finally, all can be comprehended in that instant. I don't know whether you did it intentionally, or it was unintended. But whatever it was, I noticed the undeniable connection, or maybe I was just being overly inferential on trivial matters. It's ok. I'm known to make mistakes, after that big blunder. But it's even more ok, because this time, it doesn't have its consequences.

For me, all I want is peace, or at least anything along those lines. Anything better would also be acceptable for me. However, anything worse is not something I long to happen, but if left to chance, the probability is as good as anything better happening. I just hope that maybe, you do have similar intentions in your actions as well. The impression you leave will always be a good one in me, no matter how much I tend to dislike certain things happening. Though only knowing you for at most half of my millennia life, you have been an integral part of it because it has hugely affected me, be it in a good or bad way. As they say, it is the quality, not quantity.