looking back...

It's that time of the year again... Where mass gatherings take place and countdown to a particular moment, where people come together to sing auld lang syne, where people make their New Year Resolution for the upcoming year.

Before I do my New Year Resolution, here's my quick summary of year. It's been an eventful one. (I think I'll be saying this again next year. Just watch..) I learnt from many experiences, and benefited from many lessons. I felt wrenching pain, yet at the same time, underwent sheer joy.

All in all... Let's not get too sentimental. I'll get on with my summation:

January:
Wow. Had real difficulty getting used to the kind of working attitude. But I got through. Barely..

February:
Chinese New Year was rather nice.. I had some wonderful experiences of my own which I shared with certain people or a certain person. Don't mind living through those again..

March:
Err.. The Holidays was not much of a holidays. Got hooked up with Scrabble. :P
And a reconcilation with a friend..

April:
i think this month there was a big misunderstandimg.. oh wellss..

May:
Stress arh.. Mid Year Exams coming. Although I didn't really studied much. much to be improved..

June:
Holidays.. spent most of the month preparing for the upcoming exams.. quite fruitful the mugging and all.. Each brought to light a different perspective of life..

July:
School reopens again. Some not so nice things happened. Other nicer things happened too.. Somehow had problems adjusting from hols mood back to school mood.

August:
Mixed feelings.. My mood typically depended on another person's.. Period.

September:
Some nice moments.. [re[aration and mugging for the promos.. had some PMS quarrels too...

October:
EOYs!!! Mental stress, but got through quite nicely with decent results. Not up to expectations, but I fell a bit short and it was still nifty..

November:
If I could, I'd rather not talk about this. But well.. It was so-so.

December:
people come and go.. but only some really stayed.. yea YOU...

Well.. That's all folks! Ok.. Maybe not really all.. Now's time for my New Year Resolution. People who read it, help me stick to it k? :)


New Year Resolution(s)

1.high and immense concentration in class...

2. don't talk so much during lessons. In short, SILENCE. (This will by far be the hardest, but I think it's worth a go) practise as much questions and memorise things that are required...

3.work hard,play hard. get really really decent a lvl result

Ok.. I think that will be quite about enough.. That's more than I can handle for a year already. But I will give it my best shot..

top 5 birthday presents..

(This portion of the entry is in no particular reference to anybody. Consider yourself part of it if you deem fit. But ignore all that has been mentioned if you think that you are not who I am pointing at.)

I feel extremely sorry for all the people that I have been selfish, or acted arrongantly towards. Really sorry. But I feel even more sorry to the people who actually get insulted when I behave as such towards them.

Why?

Firstly, I feel it is stupid to let other people's feelings affect you. Not that when a person is sad, you become oblivious to it, or if a person is angry, you still continuously irritate him and aggravate the situation. I think that in life, in one way or another, there are instances when people act selfish, or become proud. I think I do not differ.

Yes. My uncalled actions are not desirable. That's why I'm sorry. But hey. Look at the big picture. Am I, or rather, is everybody always like that? There are small occasions of which I may behave not to protocol, but are there so very often? I think not.

Think about it. Do you yourself always behave the 'right' way, or is there even a right way at all? Are you always that 'guai'? I shall not judge you. I shall not put myself into limiting beliefs and end up wronging myself. But your actions itself have laid impressions in me.

So the next thing you do something stupid, maybe start thinking about yourself first. However, that is not to say that I am an angel. No. I refuse to believe that I am that good or great myself. Everybody has flaws. And yes, I am similarly flawed.


just a random thing..

List out your top 5 birthday presents you wish for:

1. A,A,B for 'A' Levels... Since my birthday is like way before all the papers. that gives me more time to prepare...
2. Preferred choice of Uni studying preferred choice of degree. School of physical and and mathemtical sciences. =)
3. Being forgiven for all my sins would be nice.
4. A certain dream coming true.
5. A nice holiday to somewhere quiet. Away from the busy life... aww...That'll be nice...

just a thought...

Today, in a particular position, I felt immense pain - Pain that cannot be explained nor described completely by the limits of today's English vocabulary, nor in any other language.

It was not in a yoga position of any sort which will tear your muscles apart if done wrongly, nor is it trying to defy the laws of gravity in any way. However, its pain would still more than any of those acts mentioned.

To cut a long story short - it is the pain of being beside someone you like, and knowing that you can never have him/her forever. It hurts, and it's no joke.

I'm sure most of you might have felt it before as well. The person is right beside you, and you just wish this and that happened, and blah blah blah. But without that certain courage, they are but wishes and they will never go any further than that.

Sad.. Indeed it is.

But even more sadly enough, nothing can be done about it. Haiz.. Especially not so when in my position.

And then, when you look back into memories, the pain is gone. What lingers is even worse, much worse - the feeling of regret, at least this is describable. However, it is not of much difference.

I conclude:

Life is full of pain. But most still want to live through it, because of the moments of sheer joy that are accompanied with it.

I've explained the first part of that conclusion. Here's the second part: it's quite a good thing that you can sit beside him/her already. Most don't even have the chance and opportunity.

So if you look on the brighter side of life, you'd realise... Hey.. Life ain't so bad after all.

But 'ain't so bad' is not equal to 'not bad at all'.

If there's someone out there that disagrees with me, prove me wrong first.

Just when I thought things might be getting better. Just when I thought life might be much easier..Just when I thought happiness might be returning.I was wrong.

My life just screwed up. It's one twisted tale of bullshit. It's crap.

oK.. Enough.. I must stand ground. I must stay true to myself. I must not surrender to nothingness. I must be strong. I must... I must... I must...

Indulging in self-delusion? Nah.. Just a something new I want to try out. Maybe it will work. Who knows?

After all, I've caused more than enough emotional mayhem than Osama has caused physical damage. I've caused certain pains some cannot recover from, certain irritation some cannot forgive, certain hatred some cannot take away.

I feel bad. I want to ask for forgiveness, to plead for mercy, to shed tears for those who have felt pain. I want to start anew. I want to give a new first impression. I want to change peoples' mindsets of me.

I want.. But I can't.

And I have my own problems to settle, to solve. My life has to revolve around me somehow.

To a person out there:

Hey.. You're a great friend. We had our fair share of tears and laughter. We had our fun, and I don't intend it to end; not anytime soon. I've let you know too much, I can't let you go.

What you did was stupid; and what I did after that was even stupidier.

Yet I still don't understand.. Why is it ok for you to make fun of me but not the other way round?

However, all is forgiven.

addicted

I can't take it any longer. Maybe I'm addicted to blogging or something. Maybe I just lost control of my self-discipline. But whatever it is, I just need a venue to release my thoughts. For the past few days, I've been holding them back - by not going online, I can't blog. But now, I've sneaked off some time from my busy schedule - to blog.Much has happened. Been feeling on and off almost immediately at certain times, like a girl having PMS. That's bad.

Pissed. Enraged. Two people in one day. How much worse can it get? Damn it. I'm always the wrong one. What the hell. I'm sick and tired of this shit. Maybe you should think a little at some of the actions that I've done, and then you think whether I was really intending what I told you to do. Am I that superficial, that everything I said should be taken at face value? Call yourself my friend. I thought you would know better. Somehow, you're the person I get into a quarrel with the most often. It's about time this should stop. Maybe I know a way.

important person to talk about

important thing to talk about. One is to a specific person. You would know if it's you. That's for sure. Just read on. I hope it can get to the people who I'm referring to. Somebody help me? :)

~~~~~~~~~~

Suddenly it all seemed so clear. Once again, I was misunderstood, as much as I misunderstood. I just hate it when it happens. Why did it have to happen again? Somehow, I don't seem to apt with my words. How come my words twist by itself and provide an entirely different meaning? I am so lost.

But now, I guess its clearer than ever. I finally realised, I hope. There wasn't much of a 'chance' given to me at all. It didn't matter to you at all, as how you put it to others. You didn't even bother. There was nothing to bother about, as how you once told me.

Ouch.

Somehow, you seem to think I'm like any other. It's not your physical presence that I want. No. I don't need that. Your mental image is more than enough to do anything to me. I just wanted to clear up something, to uncover what is hidden, but I ended up making the picture blurrer than ever. It's like wanting to pour water over something to clean it, but ending up just dissolving the thing.

Yes. I am 'too much' and still 'want more' at times. But I can't help it, can I? I'm human. Although I do have to resist temptations at times, sometimes I can't help but give in to my heart. It's not that I want or don't want to. Maybe I'm just too weak inside to control myself.

Whatever that I can change, I have tried my best to change. And I'm still trying. I'm trying very hard, putting in a lot of effort. Partly because of you, but even more so because of myself. Either way, I have you in interest. But then there's no point, since you don't see the same direction as I do.

Haiz... ... Now I don't know what to do... Really...

I guess I've lifted my spirits too high that day. Much too high. Now they are plunging all the way into the ground. Tomorrow, it will hit the ground. It will hit hard, very hard. Only you can stop them. Yes, only you. Although I have doubts that you even bother. But I can only wait and see.

And when I drop, I have to climb back up. Yes. That's life. Going all the way down and coming back up again. Maybe you're going to help me, but as I've said, maybe you won't even bother. But for now, all I can do is prepare. Prepare for the worst.

I haven't seen the worst, I'm pretty sure about that. Drop me the bombshell tomorrow. Kill me off tomorrow. I want to survive this challenge.

I will. I must. I shall not give in.

discipline...

a principle of mine had this legendary sentence attached to him. "You know why our school ranking has dropped? Because of people like you. No discipline, no sense of urgency..."

The hidden meaning behind that sentence is that a result or success is usually because of the amount of discipline that a person has. You put in the desired level of discipline, and the turnout is exactly as how much the input is. Mathematically, it is impossible to calculate the accuracy of your success because there is no definite formulas, but it is immediately obvious to infer that the relationship is directly proportionate.

So then, what is this term 'Discipline'? A simple definition would consist merely of replacing this word with another --- 'Self-control'. Self-control as it implies, is the ability to control oneself regardless of the situation, be it being tempted into doing something nasty or choosing the easy way out.

Self-control is an essential aspect of life that should not be left out, because it is the control within us that is most sincere. There is no point if somebody imposes rules on us for us to abide to, because that is not to our liking and we might just choose to ignore it if we do not see its benefits. However, if we do see its benefits and decide to follow it, then we have chosen to integrate it into our set of rules that we want to adhere to.

Those that instill discipline are labeled as disciplinarians. They are often portrayed as thin and lean men giving that stern look of always suspecting you, while holding a cane in their hand and walking around as if he is Big Brother. This picture painted, is stereotypical and only half true. It is correct because rules are not often followed when they should be, and it is them who have to take on the dirty job to punish offenders and eventually gain everybody's hatred in the process. It would have been much easier if everybody just chose to have maintained the discipline that they should and not make any trouble.

However, that is only possible in the most idealistic situations - whereby people in a particular system merely commit themselves to the task at hand and not do anything that is considered unnecessary or unproductive. It is much like the organisation described as in the book, 'Brave New World'. They stick to their daily routine and the work that they have to do, rarely ever stepping out into the unknown to explore because they have no time for such endeavours. They may be considered as robots, but they go about it with the thinking that it is for theirs and everybody elses' good, after all the conditioning that they had to go through when they were young.

Of course, where there are humans, idealism is unlikely to exist even anywhere in the near future. Rules still have to be put in place, and actions taken against oppressors of world systems. Discipline still has to be enforced, so that we, as a society, can progress towards the future for the common good.

smiles...

Life is really intriguing. You never know when a person who is smiling is truly smiling or giving a fake one, or even a smirk. Well.. Yar of course, the other words in the sentence can give you a rough idea of what is what. To hell with that.

I find it weird sometimes. Especially to myself. There are times I smile, but for what, I don't know myself. I don't know whether I'm feeling happy, or just trying to cover up that I am sad. I don't know whether I'm cheering a person up with my smile, or just trying to overcome what I had just undergone.

Confused.. To the extent of the utmost simplistics of life. Being in a position of unfamiliarity, of flexibility without rules, of unknown territory without guide. The next step might be hitting the mines or finding gold. I can't even see what's immediately ahead of me, let alone the future.

Threading on thin ice; taking a brave step into the dark. No.. Now is not a time to turn back... Surrender or compromise is not an option. I will not retreat. I will move forward and face whatever that is thrown upon me. Somehow, I expect this to be slightly easier, but I shall not be complacent.

thankk you...

I didn't have the courage to say
That I loved you in every way.
I can't stop thinking of you
But still my love's strong and true.

I didn't have the strength to confess
My love I feel inside.
Guess I've made a horrible mess
Covering it up, trying to hide.

But that was before.
Figure miracles do come true
I'll cherish it all the more
For times like this come by too few.

Sunrise on the hills
Surrounded by daffodils
Seems everthing's brightly blazed
Difference,my life's in a daze.

Deep down I fall
As I hear a voice for me, call
I'm blessed with gifts from above
Cause, I'm submerged in your Love

Thank You...


Times come, times go.As we become part of evolution.Life style of the past turns into a distant memory, when we enter this modern revolution. As the scientific innovations turn our lives into an advanced age. Love is often pushed behind to back-stage.Life turns more & more towards material aspects with all these new gadgets around. What else can we expect!The beauty of Nature is often lost, as our eyes have no time to admire God’s creations, at any cost.In this rush of life, we often forget the value of Love. Things which are our real assets are lost in this world of greed and lust. Love is the name of Mankind’s biggest possession.
So times may come, times may goThere’s nothing like now or neverThe strongest power in this universeLove is forever.
Love makes the world go round and our heads spin. It sweeps us off our feet and knocks us into the distance. It makes our knees wobble, it makes our hands shiver. It makes our hair stand, it makes us smile. Everybody wants some. Yet no one truly understand the ultimate and paramount supremency of the emotion Love.

Isn't it beautiful?
I love this feeling...Hope it never fades away.

gibberish

i don't know why. I have no idea. But thoughts of gory paranoia fills my mind. Though I maybe naive, I'm not an imbecille to have let anyone manupilate my life. I guess I think too much, question the impossible and challenge the sages. If I don't stand up for myself, who in Hell's word would? Maybe I'm too young to realize the powers out there. Maybe. But for now, I may seem to be sprouting gibberish, but who gives a danm about it? Having the power to influence the actions of others, to strength to show, the courage to pursuade, the integrity to bend rules... ...Wouldn't it be a blessing? It might, but to do good, absolutely without a doubt. Then again, changing your own mind is yet a task, what more the minds and actions of others. The power to do good, is the equal of compassion and humane love. Could anyone really have the ability to lead his followers for the greater good of mankind without a thought of paramount authority and surpreme power for personal gain? Humans have two sides, but only the eye sees what it wants to see. There's more than meets the eye for everything. Come to think of it, will you want to see the bad side of anything? I doubt so. For we ourselves manipulate our minds to think what we want to think. That can sometimes result in wrong perspective, wrong doings and worst of all, utter destruction. Humans are created such that NO ONE is perfect, NO ONE is completely good nor bad and NO ONE can measure up to be what they've always dream to be : Humanly with a heart of purest gold. With all this thought, I've yet to think the silver linning of the dark clouds that clouds my mind.

Life's like that. IRONY

You can NEVER be sure of anything. No matter what people say or do even with evidences and truths, there is always a benifit of doubt. There is always a "BUT". Though we try to minimise the range of uncertinty, we can NEVER be completely sure of anything. Though we try to be as presise as life takes us to, we are still in doubt of the things that might happen. From amounting lies, supersistions, myths, legends, promises, swears and even the truths. Nothing is what it seems. The very truth you see before you, could be a lie that kills you. The very hope that you dream for and work so hard to achieve, could be destroyed in a split second. The very person you trust and love, could be the very person who stabs you. You never know.

This very entry might somehow influence and manipulate your mind, your thinking and perspective. It could either have enlightened your or somehow ruined your dreams. It could have done anything. What is does is exactly what you want your life to be, what you gear your life towards. What YOU want in life.

xoxo

had a great time with shoe. we went to have lunch at FISH AND CO. near PS. wahaha.. had a hard time trying to finish the food though. after that we walked at the ISTANA park.. aww. the scenery was gorgeous.. and the we watched ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUKS.. they were soooo cute.. haha..


It was a decision so hard to make...
As much as I wanted to stay,
As much as I never wanted to leave,
I just had to do it...
Before I fall any deeper,
Before you hurt her,
it's best I walk away...


To you. My friend.

I know the truth, and so do you. I know you. You're nothing of that sort, yet you've become one. I thought we were friends. I could trust you with everything. And I knew you trusted me. I felt safe. Has that security blanket of friendship torn apart? I never knew much about the laws of physics, but maybe time has created friction. Have we fell out just because of because? But these would never explain the stint. It comes in the morally greyest part of anything, but just because you can doesn't means you should. Does it? have you lost your way? Or did you choose your way? I am concerned, naturally and honestly. Usually I'd be so happy to see you. Most of my awesome times had you in the picture. But I must say, I was extremely shocked to see you then. You know what you've done, and I fear what I do not know. But nonetheless, a friendship promise is a promise. I'm never going to renege on you. But please.

We're still friends, aren't we?

You keep your phone off. You never reply my messages. This is the only outlet that I hope to reach you. Please.

I fear the worst, yet I hope for the best. Pray for the best. Pray for you.



Oh dearest God. Help.

heyy.. im back...

wahhh... bali is such a nice place to have a holday and also to SHOP SHOP SHOP!!! the things there were on sale and they were super cheap... though it was raining quite abit, still lots of shopping and geting caught in the rain was done.. haha.. sooo cool... arrived on 17th at around 10 plus and daddy was waiting at the hotel lobby.. miss him!! haha.. and then we put our bags and went to hard rock cafe.. wahh.. the band was soo cool.. SILUET BAND ROCKS! reached back to the room at around 1 plus, washed up and sleep.. zzzz... the next morning, went for a ride around bali. first i think we went to UBUD market.. wahh..the place sux when it rains.. haha.. in the evening, went to this new shopping centre at DISCOVERY.. and gess what!! RIPCURL was having 50-75% sale.. wahaha.. happiest day! haha.. bought nice nice jeans for only 8 bucks la! haha.. SHOPPING and taking pictures sums up my whole trip there.. the trip was also a meaningful one cuz it helped me to forget and let go of the past.. im now ack on track... lets leave it to past tense.. its too late to apologise... wee! cant wait for term to start.. misss my friends and i miss the school!! haha.. kinda lazy to put up the pics now.. maybe later.. :)

zoom zoom away...

Almost half of the december holidays are gone. its been raining pretty heavily lately and many many sad things have been happening.. 2007 is almost ending and the start of 2008 is approaching just around the corner.. First things first.. i think its about time to zoom zoom away the past.. *it will continue to hurt if it remains in my heart and mind.. let it be just a memory.. a memory that no one will be able to take away from me. a memory unspoken off...only then will 2008 be a great year..* smiles.. it takes great courage and strength to take this step.. but it has to be taken,no choice.im sorry.. i dun wish to be accused,doubted and hurt anymore. have it your way. u promised NO REGRETS..

every time i think of you
i get a shock right through into a bolt of blue
it's no problem of mine but it's a problem i find
living a life that i can't leave behind
there's no sense in telling me
the wisdom of a fool won't set you free
but that's the way that it goes
and it's what nobody knows
and every day my confusion grows

every time i see you falling
i get down on my knees and pray
i'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that i can't say

i feel fine and i feel good
i feel like i never should
whenever i get this way, i just don't know what to say
why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

i'm not sure what this could mean
i don't think you're what you seem
i do admit to myself
that if i hurt someone else
then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

-Fresh Beginning-