just a thought...

Today, in a particular position, I felt immense pain - Pain that cannot be explained nor described completely by the limits of today's English vocabulary, nor in any other language.

It was not in a yoga position of any sort which will tear your muscles apart if done wrongly, nor is it trying to defy the laws of gravity in any way. However, its pain would still more than any of those acts mentioned.

To cut a long story short - it is the pain of being beside someone you like, and knowing that you can never have him/her forever. It hurts, and it's no joke.

I'm sure most of you might have felt it before as well. The person is right beside you, and you just wish this and that happened, and blah blah blah. But without that certain courage, they are but wishes and they will never go any further than that.

Sad.. Indeed it is.

But even more sadly enough, nothing can be done about it. Haiz.. Especially not so when in my position.

And then, when you look back into memories, the pain is gone. What lingers is even worse, much worse - the feeling of regret, at least this is describable. However, it is not of much difference.

I conclude:

Life is full of pain. But most still want to live through it, because of the moments of sheer joy that are accompanied with it.

I've explained the first part of that conclusion. Here's the second part: it's quite a good thing that you can sit beside him/her already. Most don't even have the chance and opportunity.

So if you look on the brighter side of life, you'd realise... Hey.. Life ain't so bad after all.

But 'ain't so bad' is not equal to 'not bad at all'.

If there's someone out there that disagrees with me, prove me wrong first.

Just when I thought things might be getting better. Just when I thought life might be much easier..Just when I thought happiness might be returning.I was wrong.

My life just screwed up. It's one twisted tale of bullshit. It's crap.

oK.. Enough.. I must stand ground. I must stay true to myself. I must not surrender to nothingness. I must be strong. I must... I must... I must...

Indulging in self-delusion? Nah.. Just a something new I want to try out. Maybe it will work. Who knows?

After all, I've caused more than enough emotional mayhem than Osama has caused physical damage. I've caused certain pains some cannot recover from, certain irritation some cannot forgive, certain hatred some cannot take away.

I feel bad. I want to ask for forgiveness, to plead for mercy, to shed tears for those who have felt pain. I want to start anew. I want to give a new first impression. I want to change peoples' mindsets of me.

I want.. But I can't.

And I have my own problems to settle, to solve. My life has to revolve around me somehow.

To a person out there:

Hey.. You're a great friend. We had our fair share of tears and laughter. We had our fun, and I don't intend it to end; not anytime soon. I've let you know too much, I can't let you go.

What you did was stupid; and what I did after that was even stupidier.

Yet I still don't understand.. Why is it ok for you to make fun of me but not the other way round?

However, all is forgiven.